“Hello?”

You say it like a question. Your voice echoes. Nothing stirs.

Faintly, in the distance, a phone is ringing. The ringing goes on and on, and even though it’s faint, it turns your anxiety up to eleven.

“Hello?” you say again, louder this time. Surely someone hears the phone, someone whose job it is to answer phones. That person is decidedly not you; you hate phones.

You remember your first phone in High School, the one with the cord you stretched beyond its physical limits because sometimes you needed to move around during a marathon call, back when everything of import in your life was mainlined in gossip and Slurpees. When life hadn’t started demanding sacrifices from you yet—your time, your peace of mind and the imperative to tolerate bullshit among the most painful.

Now you can’t stand phones. In idea or in practice. You see an unscheduled phone call as a crime against humanity.

“Do you think I’m an animal?” you want to demand of the caller. “Lolling about, twiddling my thumbs, waiting for you to call? The kind of person with a completely empty calendar and a life devoid of meaning, unless people like you fill it up with arbitrary mid-day phone calls? Calls that—quelle horreur!— might last 40 seconds or two hours? And somehow you think this is a respectable way for humans to conduct themselves?”

That’s why you refuse.

You’re not going to answer that phone, even though the rings are louder now and starting to sound shrill as a toddler’s shriek. Your right eye has begun to twitch, but you don’t answer because it might be him. The one who ingratiates himself with talk about nothing and “remember whens,” and then shapeshifts into melancholy with the stealth of a fox. The one who scents your desire to wrap things up and digs his claws in deeper. And then it’s three hours later, and you’re trapped in the polite purgatory of the unscheduled phone call, effervescing with self-loathing about not having boundaries.

Or maybe it will be the other one. The paranoid one, who wants options but not these options. The one who’s fluent in both helplessness and how to work the system, and is so relieved to have you as a sounding board because you understand him. You murmur “Mmhmm” and “Okay” at the conspiracy theories, and you feel as if you are pouring the sweet nectar of your soul into a vast empty vessel that is impossible to fill.

“Somebody, please!” you cry out to no one in particular, as you break into a run, trying to put space between you and the ringing phone before the bulging vein in your temple explodes. Suddenly, your phone dings. You pull up short and fish around in your bag, turning it face-up to reveal a text.

Your breath catches. Every tiny hair stands at attention. Your blood feels as if it’s freezing in your veins, like an unrelenting cold front sweeping across the landscape of your organs.

This can’t be. This is the worst-case scenario.

Your heart is hammering like it’s trying to escape your chest. Your fingers tighten around the phone. The words on the screen burn like a curse:

Call me.

Panic rises in your chest, threatening your ability to suck in air, which you suddenly seem to require in increasing amounts. You must ignore this insane request and the cascade of questions it raises:

About what? Do I need to prep? Is it important? Like, life-and-death important? Could this call actually just be a text?

The swirl of your thoughts and the maddening racket are building to an operatic crescendo. You hurl your phone back into your bag and run, pumping your legs like an Olympian, leaving clouds of dust motes in your wake. The library looms in front of you, seeming to grow in length the closer you get to the exit. Over the cacophony, you hear your cell phone start to ring. At first, you try to ignore it, but it’s perfectly interspersed with the ring of the library’s landline, so that now there is no pause between rings. The sound is simply one long note stretched into a tinny, keening alarm.

“No, no, NO!” you shout, stopping once again to extract the phone from your bag. As you withdraw it, you see the call going to voicemail. You wait for the summary message to show on your screen. 10 seconds… thirty… one minute… before you realize with a wave of revulsion that… they didn’t leave a message.

You stare at the blank screen and feel your face pull into something feral. They didn’t leave a message! They just called and hung up. And now they wait, like hungry vampires, for you to call them back.

Your phone begins to ring again.

You let out a strangled scream and hurl it into the nearest chair, where it continues to trill like a tired old music box, drooping and distorting, curdling the lullaby into something rotten. The sound vibrates the marrow of your bones. You clamp your hands over your ears, but the ring is inside you now, reverberating in your jaw, your teeth, your blood.

And then…

A knock.

Clipped. Deliberate. Real.

You freeze, doubting your ears amidst the din.

Another knock.

You run toward it, heels drumming the stone in a desperate rhythm, lungs full of fire and hope. Someone is here. Someone is finally here. They’ve come to put an end to this madness.

You reach the door and grasp for the handle just as the voice purrs through the keyhole, saccharine and uninvited:

“Darling…

I was in the neighborhood…

Just thought I’d drop in and see what you were up to.”

The post The Tell-tale Ring appeared first on Jennie O'Connor.

As in, wrestle it into submission so it doesn’t come back to haunt you at inopportune moments, like, say, your birthday?

The older I get, the more I think the answer is no.

I’ve been working on my money stories for over a decade, and still, every so often, a new layer floats up from the depths like, “Things seem good, sooooooo I’m here to piss in your Wheaties.”

The latest rerun of “How Is This Still A Thing?” featured a familiar plotline: If you want to be abundant, you have to work HARD—and constantly. Only when you’ve earned that rest can you actually lie down. Because capitalism.

So when I came home from a work trip covered in the virus my seatmate on the plane had coughed all over me and collapsed for weeks, it felt like a personal failing. My birthday came and went, and all I got was a lousy pity party. I couldn’t even muster the energy to do client work—which, you know, keeps the lights on.

All I was capable of doing was watching Daniel Radcliffe learn how to act while journeying through puberty.

I did manage a few neglected life-admin tasks—like performing Roomba surgery to diagnose its broken mop function and repotting a tragic houseplant. But I only did those things because I felt like I had to earn my right to exist for another day.

Because, obviously, one does not just lie there.

Maybe it was the magical movie marathon that caused what happened next. Or maybe it was the fact that when you listen to your body and act in alignment with it, abundance does not, in fact, dry up.

Contrary to what we’ve had rammed down our throats about how it all works, prosperity sometimes manifests not in spite of resting, but because of it.

All I know is that while I was busy feeling like a worthless slug, a wealth of blessings started pouring in. I share this list with you not to brag, but because I bet you’ve had a moment recently when you simply couldn’t push anymore. Given the current state of affairs, that moment might be right now.

What if it’s not just okay to let yourself step off the hamster wheel when this happens, it’s actually the best thing you can possibly do?

Perhaps my little avalanche of joy hits can be a reminder to cut yourself some slack–because it’s just what the doctor ordered. Maybe my observations will help you recognize how often abundance appears in the moments you surrender.

Here goes:

The Easiest Car-Buying Experience EVER

I finally reached out to the guy my bestie’s girlfriend told me about—”the one who could help me find a truck.” I’d been putting it off for ages because purchasing a vehicle solo felt intimidating AF. The few dealers I’d talked to were either unclear on the details of their own inventory or seemed shocked I understood towing capacity while also being female.

But this guy? This guy was sunshine in human form. You could hear him smiling through the phone. He found the exact truck I wanted in a day. No upsell. No BS. He pulled strings with the fleet manager, knocked off $2K and offered to chauffeur me to the dealership two hours away. Toyota overnighted the paperwork so I could test drive, pay and bounce in 30 minutes flat.

When I went to get the cashier’s check, my banker told me she had purchased her son’s truck at the same dealership. She then waived the check fee for no apparent reason.

Free Stuff from Amazon

I needed a console cover to protect the new interior from my cat’s murder mittens. The only one that fit and would arrive before my maiden voyage was listed on Amazon. I haven’t shopped there all year—because fuck Bezos. But it turns out I had an unused gift card, plus an affiliate payout, plus credit card points I didn’t know about. The thing ended up being free, which is the only way I’ll let stuff from Amazon into my house ever again.

The “Secret Garden” Walkway of My Dreams

The gas company has been ripping up my street for all of 2025. It has only ever been a nuisance until I got a notice last week that they would have to demolish a small section of the tile in my walkway. I’m pretty sure they were bracing for a fight.

Little did they know that I have hated that section of stained, ugly tile and have long been dreaming of turning my walkway into this.

When I explained the ideal scenario to the workers, they offered to cut out a much larger section of tile and build a new flower bed to my exact specifications.

IRL Community

It was so easy making friends back in my drinking days, but moving away from the city, quitting drinking and finally acknowledging that I’m an introvert has left me severely lacking in local friendships. As I was being driven to the dealership last week by two lovely humans who were discussing how much they’d like to buy houses in my area, and would I want to hang out once they do, something clicked.

So far this summer, three couples I adore have made offers on houses in my hood. Two weeks ago, friends from LA declared their intent to visit every other month, at a minimum. Since June, I’ve forged a friendship with my neighbor and another gal I met working as a volunteer for a local art festival—both of whom feel like kindreds.

All of a sudden, I realized I had gone from zero to sixty in the friend department. I simply had to stop and take notice.

The Best Affirmation

The day I admitted to my Substack readers that I was sick, grumpy and creatively tapped out, I got the kindest outpouring of support.

But here’s the kicker: I also got a new paid subscriber.

Apparently, even while wearing my so-exhausted-I’m-cranky pants, I’m still worthy of getting paid.

Which is honestly the most validating abundance of them all.

Final Thoughts

This is what happens when you stop forcing productivity out of an empty tank. In fact, I vote we quit using the word productive altogether, since it feels so laden with the ooze of hustle culture. I owe this mindset shift to fellow creator, Dre Beltrami, who brilliantly stated: “I want to get shit done, but I don’t want to be productive.”

The fact is, a big part of a healthy abundance mindset is being open to receiving. That happens when you take aligned action—even if that means tapping out and getting horizontal.

So if all you can manage right now is pillow forts and weighted blankets, you are not failing.

You are not falling behind.

The magic isn’t in doing more. It’s in trusting that sometimes you’re allowed—nay, invited—to do less.

Your Turn

What’s something that found you when you finally gave yourself a break? A tiny abundance, a cosmic wink or a total freaking windfall. Let ‘er rip in the comments.

Cheers to gathering ALL the evidence that rest = receiving.

The post The Abundance Hack Capitalism Wants to Keep Top-Secret appeared first on Jennie O'Connor.

I fall in love with a new person, place or thing at least three times a week. Often, that looks like loudly declaring my undying devotion to someone’s product. I’m looking at you, kombucha slurpee lady from the farmer’s market. You are a magician

Last year at a wine festival I attend religiously every spring, one of the chefs introduced me to a coworker as “his stalker.” That’s the day I learned I was extra. (Also, Steve, that’s not a very nice way to talk about the person responsible for all your INCREDIBLE WORD OF MOUTH. I would like to be immediately compensated for my not insignificant efforts… in smoked olives. Ahem.)

Sometimes, though, my adoration is off-the-rails. Nothing to see here, folks, just me with heart eyes, doodling my new married name all over my Trapper Keeper.

Case in point: This week, I needed to hire a plumber… and now I want to have all of his babies. Stay with me now, because the reason I want to have all of his babies (besides just being unhinged) has everything to do with you.

My new boyfriend, Wesley, is about to teach you (via me, cos I’m the writer in this relationship) how to make the kind of first impression that makes everyone you encounter want to have all of YOUR babies.

Because eliciting this kind of reaction from strangers is incredibly good for business.

Show Me That Attention to Detail, Baby

Apparently, organization turns me on.

A stranger once reached out to me on LinkedIn, asking me to be a guest on her podcast, and I agreed. Approximately eight seconds later, I got a series of automated emails containing release forms and user consent considerations that I, as a podcast host myself, had never even considered. Did I agree to give her my firstborn son? Probably!

All I remember in my fangirl fugue state is I just had to get to know her better… and now she is my best girlfriend on earth.

Wesley did basically the same thing. After returning my call within 17 seconds, he immediately asked me to text him my info so he could “put me in his system.” The fact that he had a system was impressive. Another plumber I’d spoken to texted me his estimate as a run-on sentence with no punctuation. As soon as Wesley “put me in his system,” I got an auto-generated email confirming our appointment for later in the day. Color me impressed.

When he arrived to assess the job, he immediately began climbing into crawl spaces I didn’t know I had. First of all, are you the crawl space whisperer, Wesley? How do you just KNOW I have an attic in my walk-in closet that I never knew was there?

Then Wesley drove me down to a friend’s condo to see how the same job was done at her place, and proceeded to interview her uber-friendly neighbor about crawl spaces. Then he came back to my condo and crawled into what he had now designated the “correct” crawl space, which he proclaimed was 140 degrees and which must have been dirty because when he came out, he looked like a sweaty tumbleweed.

All these crawl space shenanigans are important because every other plumber I met with told me they were going to have to demo my kitchen. The guy with the run-on sentences even said he didn’t do drywall or painting, so presumably he was going to just leave giant holes in my wall when he went home at the end of the day. Wesley saved me all that destruction and subsequent need for repair simply by paying attention to detail.

Swoon.

The lesson? When you obsess over the details, people notice. They feel a bit more confident that the elements of their own project won’t slip through the cracks. That their calls will actually get returned. You’ve just made them feel safe, and like your hands are the right hands to be in.

Psychologically, this means not only do they want to give their business to you instead of that other schlub, they’ll actually feel in your debt for taking such good care of them. That equals tips, rave reviews and loyalty. Cha-ching.

(Under) Promise Me

You know the saying: under promise and over deliver. You know a great way to show your client that’s how you roll? When showing up for that very first appointment.

Punctuality is basically extinct, especially when it comes to contractors, amiright? Last night, Lowe’s promised to deliver my new range today between 8 am and 12 pm. This morning I got a text saying they were coming between 1:30 and 5:30. They showed up at 12:30—which, hilariously, is not within either of those windows. But this kind of nonsense is what we expect.

Not with Wesley, though. Wesley told me he would be here between 4:30 and 5:30, and then showed up at 4:30 on. the. dot. I was so smitten, I vowed to do the same with every project deadline for every one of my own clients for as long as we both shall live.

It sounds obvious, but in a society that seems to increasingly disrespect our time, simply being better has a profound impact. Most people are like Nicole, the marketing director my client just hired. Ten minutes after our first meeting was supposed to start, she emailed “I’m running late” (coolcoolcool… so… should I sit here on Zoom???). She demanded my number—which was literally in my email signature—and then sent me hers with two digits reversed. When I finally got her on the phone, she was shopping at Target

If I ever meet her in real life, I will stab her with a fork.

Nicole doesn’t inspire confidence or even seem to respect other humans. She’s a walking accountability crisis. By contrast, Wesley noticed that my faucet outside was leaking and paused in the middle of his workday to replace it with parts he didn’t charge me for.

The bottom line? In a world of Nicoles, be a Wesley.

Invite Me Into Your Cult of Personality

I may have buried the lede on this, but Wesley was a delight from the moment I got him on the phone.

Is this part really that important? Only always.

During my recent car-buying experience, I fired a dealer who responded like a dead fish when I sent him a playful text that said, “Anthony, you work too hard .” I sent the diagonal laughing face, for crying out loud! If that’s not a universal sign you have permission to be human, I don’t know what is.

Besides the “know, like and trust” factor being the single most important ingredient in getting folks to buy your beautiful things, I simply no longer want to do business with the human equivalent of a cabbage roll. I want life to be fun—and that includes the mundane moments and the times I am handing over painfully large sums of cash. Make it hurt a little less, and I will reward you with favors.1

What really struck me was the fact that when I answered the door for Wesley, I was wearing what I’ve dubbed my sexy boot, which is one of those clunky orthopedic devices with Velcro straps, a hard plastic shell and a hoof-like sole that makes me walk like Frankenstein. Before he had taken a step inside, he gasped (for real) and said “What happened?” with the most sincere vocal inflection I’ve ever heard. If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve thought I was his bestie from elementary school.

It’s critical to note that this would have backfired if it had been fake concern. But it wasn’t.

Is it any wonder that he’s the man of my dreams?

Run-on sentence guy, during his three-minute assessment of the job, ignored my boot. Not that I need anyone to comment on the sexy boot, but the contrast was striking. I mean, it was literally the difference between “take me to bed or lose me forever” and “lose my number, bruh.”

Whether you’re a plumber, a personal brand or a coach who sells $3K transformations, these little moments matter. Show up warmly (and with a pulse)—and you will be remembered. Long after the deliverables are no longer being celebrated, how you made them feel will be.

You Had Me at Zero-Interest Financing

I’m glad you’re still with me, because this is the part where Wesley demonstrated a business acumen that could rival Warren Buffett’s.

For context, Wesley asked what the other guys had quoted, and I told him. (What?! I have no chill!) I just really wanted his estimate to come in low enough that hiring him would be a no-brainer. But alas, his was a full $1,200 higher than my highest quote so far.

But.

Because my mom is the actual homeowner and had to be consulted on all decisions, he offered me a senior discount, knocking off $450. Then he sent me a link for 0% financing over two years. In short, the man was trying to make it work.

Still, I went to bed heartbroken. By that point, I’d decided I hated the other two companies, but I couldn’t magically produce an extra grand just because Wesley spoke my love language.

And then…

The next morning, I woke up to a revised estimate. Same discount, different materials—slightly lesser quality, but still industry standard. (I asked ChatGPT if this was going to cause me to blow up in my sleep, and it said no, so…)

And the best part? The new quote came in lower than my other offers. That’s when I realized the clever bastard had price-anchored me.

Price anchoring is when you lead with a higher number to make your actual offer feel like a deal. It’s perception magic—and it makes people say yes faster, with fewer objections. You come out of the exchange looking all generous and accommodating, and in exchange, your people ask you to kindly take their money.

If you’re a business owner, you should absolutely do this. This can look like leading with your VIP offer—the one with all the bells and whistles—and then whipping back the curtain to reveal the on-demand self-study course for a low, low $999.

Or maybe your thing is a paid newsletter. You offer a $497 founding member subscription that includes exclusive essays, monthly Q&As and live writing workshops—but you also have a $7/month plan. When people realize they can get access to your brilliance for such a steal compared to the fancy version, supporting you becomes a no-brainer.

Wesley got the job. Obviously.

But what he really earned was something even more valuable to his business in the long term: my undying loyalty, good PR and a glowing Yelp review.

So the next time you catch yourself wondering why sales feel hard, remember Wesley. In a world where mediocrity reigns and most people can’t be bothered to return a call, genuine enthusiasm, thoughtful detail and good old-fashioned competence are like rocket fuel. Take a page out of Wesley’s book and you won’t have to chase clients ever again.

Do it well enough, and maybe some day an unhinged middle-aged woman will write a love letter about you on the Internet.

The post Whips and Chains? Nah, This is What Excites Me appeared first on Jennie O'Connor.

At face value, the advice to pursue usefulness seems sensible. I also agree with his later admonishment to create more than you consume. But it was so hard to hear the worthwhile bits of advice through the patriarchal, capitalist conditioning that had the mic.

The idea that what makes you happy—what lights you up—is somehow less noble than what you produce is the kind of programming that’s kept generations of us chasing approval instead of alignment. Accolades instead of inner contentment.

We’ve been taught to measure our worth by our usefulness. I had a come-to-Jesus moment with myself two years ago when I definitively planted a flag stating that my being matters more than my output.

AKA, a successful day isn’t measured by whether or not someone has found me useful.

What if the thing that lights you up is exactly what the world needs more of?

Perhaps the author was just speaking to the specialists of the world.

Because here’s what I know to be true for multipassionates:

Chasing your passion isn’t selfish. It’s essential.

For those of us whose brains light up like a Christmas tree at every new idea, curiosity is more than just a hobby. It’s the signal that tells us we’re alive. And designing a business that honors that has a ripple effect that, wouldn’t you know it, benefits the lives of others.

Kinda like being useful. ¹

Following what feels good often makes you the most useful.

When you start with the “What makes me come alive?” question, you don’t automatically turn into a lazy socialite who “buys dumb stuff to impress people,” as the author suggests. You become someone with fire in their belly.

Someone who shows up more fully, creates more unabashedly and connects more deeply.

And yes—someone who ends up being profoundly useful to others in the process.

But here’s the twist: That usefulness is a byproduct.

It’s not the point.

The point is joy. Fulfillment. Self-trust.

It’s being more YOU than you’ve ever been.

Experience = Creation

The author goes on to say that chasing purpose leads a person to have experiences, and experiences are just a form of consumption.

This was a big record scratch moment for me.

His POV is that consumption is to be frowned upon, while creating is the golden ticket to a meaningful life. But he equates experiences to consumption.

I disagree, hard.

I CREATE experiences all the time, every day. Friday night, I curated a delightful Summer Solstice party by intentionally combining people who would be into that sort of thing with a seasonal and magickally-inspired menu. They brought the karaoke. Everyone played a role in a highly successful and pleasurable evening. That was an act of creation.

But, fine, let’s argue that experiences do = consumption.

Experiences are how we learn what matters to us. They’re not consumption for consumption’s sake—they’re data. Lived, embodied, felt-in-your-bones data.²

For multipassionates especially, following the spark of an experience is often the only way to find the thing worth building. We don’t get clarity in a vacuum. We get it by living.

It’s silly to make that wrong.

Passion isn’t a trap—it’s a compass.

Is it possible to mistake a passing infatuation for a passion? Sure. But that’s not a reason to stop following yours.

That’s a reason to build discernment.

That’s exactly what you learn inside Dream Job Academy. It’s not about “following your bliss” so you can become some vapid materialist. It’s about how to strategically explore what lights you up so you can build something aligned, sustainable and profitable from that place.³

You don’t have to choose between being useful and being lit up. You just have to stop believing that the two are at odds.

When passion and usefulness are made to compete, we all lose.

To treat passion as frivolous and usefulness as superior is to fundamentally misunderstand how creativity actually works.

Creation without connection to your inner world is just basic vanilla output. It’s got as much soul as a short story penned by ChatGPT. And output without joy? That’s the fast track to burnout.

I do agree with the author that creating something is powerful. It changes you. It teaches you to have grit.

But if the spark that fuels the creation—your curiosity, your lived experience, your delight—is dismissed as selfish or shallow, we risk building lives that look good on paper but feel as empty as promises from your ex.

So no shade, Tim—but on this one, I’ve got to disagree.

Passion isn’t a detour. It’s the most direct route to the kind of freedom we both say we want.

What’s your take? Has following what lights you up made you more useful—or more YOU? Let’s talk.

This post was originally published on Substack.

The post The Purpose of Life Is Not to Be Useful: It’s to Chase Delight appeared first on Jennie O'Connor.

So what gives? (Besides magick, obvi.)

It’s neuroscience.

Those cars were always there. But your conscious mind has to filter through 11 million bits of information bombarding it every second and choose just 40 or 50 to pay attention to.

That’s an awful lot of EOSs it has to ignore.

So, which 40 bits make it past the gate?

That’s entirely up to you.

And here’s where this gets fun.

(rubs hands together like a supervillain)

Your brain notices what you habitually think about—whether by choice or by conditioning. It clings to the well-worn neural pathways you travel day after day.

You didn’t notice the EOSs before because they weren’t relevant. That doesn’t mean they weren’t IN your reality. They were just . . . invisible.

Which means that the first step to eventually parking one in your driveway is choosing to notice them. To think about them so often that your brain wears a new groove—a groove that starts directing your attention, intention and energy toward making that car your reality.

And if it works for Volkswagens?

Just imagine what it can do for abundance.

Abundance, Reimagined

Here’s the essential ingredient that makes this whole game work:

You’ve gotta release the idea that abundance only looks like fat bank accounts, yachts and vacays in the Maldives.

Abundance is everywhere—but it takes a trained eye to catch its subtler, sneakier forms. Your goal is to fine-tune your awareness to the universe’s winks, instead of holding out for a slap in the face with a stack of hundreds.

Remember: Where focus goes, energy flows. Tony Robbins said it, so it must be true.

Seriously, though, just watch. The more you practice noticing, the more there will be TO notice.

I’d like to offer the following as evidence.

Here’s Some Recently Spotted Abundance

• A heart on a note I posted months ago
• A new paid subscriber while I was sleeping
• A settlement check from a class action lawsuit I didn’t know I was part of

I legit have no idea what this is for

• An elegant stranger who looked me in the eyes and said, “You look just beautiful”
• Random Stripe payments (I say thank you to every single notification)
• My doctor telling me I’m his favorite patient
• A day that’s cool enough for two separate walks without dying of heat stroke
• A massage paid for by a client (bless him)
• A friend treating me to lunch
• A compliment on my hair after I just got it cut
• Discovering the hybrid I want—with the tow package—costs less than the cheaper trim with the same upgrades
• A surprise “I thought you two would love each other” email from someone I met at a networking event
• My cat climbing into my lap to make biscuits
• Finding the last pack of passionfruit La Croix at the store (yes, I have a problem)
• The podcast episode that said exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it
• A full hour of creative flow where I completely lost time
• My neighbor being willing to water my plants while I’m traveling
• Discovering a $20 bill in a coat pocket I haven’t worn since last winter
• A perfectly timed green light
• An unexpectedly beautiful conversation with nine strangers at a networking dinner
• Breezing through airport security
• Snot-laughing over a video of someone narrating a nipped-up cat losing its mind to the rhyming meter of “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish.”
• An idea that woke me up in the middle of the night and turned out to be gold for my novel
• Fresh bedsheets
• Getting to introduce one of my favorite foodies to her first churro
• Being next in line just as they open up a second cashier
• A mint plant that looked dead after too many days away—cleaned up, watered and sprouting a forest of teensy baby leaves

The Bottom Line

You don’t have to earn abundance. You don’t have to chase it like the one that got away, or bleed for it to prove you’re worthy.

You simply have to start noticing it.

Every time you recognize something as abundance and let yourself feel a little joy hit, you’re sending up a flare that says, “More of this, please.”

When the starving artist narrative has been stitched into the story of your life, it’s revolutionary to think differently.

To practice abundance spotting.

To delight in how much there is to be grateful for, even in a capitalist world that keeps telling you you have to struggle for scraps.

Alicia Joyful gets it. She posted this on Substack while I was writing this draft.

More of this, please.

More artists reclaiming their joy.

More of us opting out of the scarcity script.

Will you join us?

Have you seen any universal winks lately? Tell me in the comments so we can make a whole damn highlight reel.

This post was originally published on Substack.

The post Train Your Brain to Be Rich appeared first on Jennie O'Connor.

Life hacks.

A time management system so effective it will finally let you do it all.

I’ve both bought into and sold the idea that you can do every little thing your heart desires if only you organize, streamline and discipline yourself enough.

The problem with optimization, however, is that the more time you manage to free up, the longer the list gets of what needs doing. The more focused you become on optimizing your time, the less likely you are to relax and simply let time unfold.

And it doesn’t help that the gurus on Insta say you should create content daily and repurpose it 74 times for every social media platform that exists—or else perish in an entrepreneurial dumpster fire.

Do more is hustle culture’s mantra.

The low-grade perma-anxiety it gives us is the energy that capitalism feeds on. Our quest to be more productive because that’s what ambitious people do has become toxic.

And it’s burning us out.

In response, I’d like to propose something counterintuitive. Quit the hacks, delete your habit tracker and throw out your morning routines. To do this, you will have to change your mindset. And for a high achiever, this will feel uncomfortable. It might even make you squirm.

That’s the point.

Escaping toxic productivity isn’t about finding new ways to squeeze more out of yourself. It’s about confronting some brutal truths that your enterprising brain would rather ignore. Let’s unpack them.

Your To-Do List Will Never be Done

As a Type A, overachieving multipotentialite, I’m the poster child for biting off more than I can chew. As of this writing, my task manager lists 308 tasks. My habit tracker? 30 habits. And my morning routine—which, let’s be real, could take the entire day—has 20 action items.

So how’s it working out?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Here’s what I’ve come to realize. That sense of peace I think I’ll have once I manage to wrangle this Dr. Seussian tower of (largely self-imposed) obligations?

It’s not coming.

Thinking we can gain mastery over time via our To-Do lists is an attempt to avoid the helplessness that comes from realizing we can’t. We think if we refuse to acknowledge that tough choices have to be made about how we spend our time, we can escape feeling the pain of our limitations.

The solution, I’ve discovered, is to laugh at ourselves (see above) and then stop trying to win. It’s a recipe for disappointment, and letting ourselves down every day of our lives is bad for morale.

After letting go of your aspirations to dominate your To-Do list, I think you’ll find it feels strangely peaceful. When you finally accept that your goal is impossible, it’s hard to keep beating yourself up for failing at it.

You Have to Start Ugly

In the same way, you can apply this idea to perfectionism. If you’re constantly tweaking a project because you’re worried it’s not yet good enough, you can relax. Because, judging by the flawless standards of your imagination, you definitely won’t ever think it’s good enough.

So, what should you do?

Make a start.

Every successful entrepreneur will tell you they started ugly and figured things out as they went. They made mistakes—undoubtedly, many—but they kept going. Waiting until you feel prepared only delays the fact that building an audience, gaining traction and establishing yourself takes time. If you keep waiting, you’ll wake up years from now with your best ideas still locked inside you.

Instead, embrace imperfection, normalize small failures and remember that genuine enthusiasm beats flawlessness every time. Your passion and authenticity will attract the right people—even if you change directions later. This way, by the time you actually do feel ready, your audience will already be there waiting to cheer you on.

You’re Saying “No” Wrong

You may have heard that the key to safeguarding your time is by saying no more often, but this is often misunderstood. People think it means saying no to opportunities where they feel a sense of obligation rather than desire. In other words, they think it means quit overcommitting yourself just to look good to the other PTA parents.

But it actually means saying no to the good stuff—the fascinating, the pleasurable, the things that could be great fun—because they aren’t the most important thing right now.

This is a bitter pill to swallow for the multipassionates among us. Saying no to things I don’t want to do is easy. But declining the sparkly, the awe-inspiring, the curiosity-inducing because I’m a limited human with finite time? That doesn’t sit well.

It might be the reason I’m such a fan of the idea of reincarnation:

Yet, here is another instance where embracing our limitations actually makes our choices more impactful.

Multipassionates don’t have to follow the antiquated advice to “choose one thing.” But we also can’t choose everything. A decision is made all the more meaningful when held up against the number of extremely inviting choices we have to turn down in order to make it.

Work/Life Balance is a Lie

I once got into a heated debate with a New York businessman who bragged about his 80-hour work weeks while scoffing at Californians and our obsession with “working out and hangin’ at the beach.” Looking back, I think we both got it wrong. 80-hour work weeks are hustle culture at its most toxic, but the endless pursuit of work/life balance isn’t realistic either.

The truth is that humans are built for seasons. It’s how civilization endured for centuries, and it continues to apply in modern times, even though we have industrialized ourselves away from this natural tendency.

In today’s terms, it means you may have a season where the book you’re writing is taking an inordinate amount of your time—time you are quietly chiding yourself should be spent with your kids. Or maybe a big project at work means overtime and frozen burritos for dinner while your gym membership languishes, silently mocking you.

Embracing seasonality means accepting that bursts of productivity in one area almost certainly mean neglecting other areas of life we deem important. In fact, it may mean you give all those other areas a C effort for now—and call it good.

It also means that these intense creative/work seasons should be followed by rest. And that means REAL rest, not “optimized downtime” or the “productive rest” a lot of us fool ourselves into thinking counts as the same thing.

In other words, it’s okay to have lopsided priorities for a season, so long as you’re mindful about spending the next season making up for lost time with your loved ones or getting back into your workout routine. It means you don’t have to be a perfect creator, a perfect parent or a perfect employee 24/7.

I’ll say it louder for the high-achievers in the back: Give yourself some grace.

Nobody Cares About Your Legacy

Not everyone is Taylor Swift or Steve Jobs or Marie Curie. But it has taken me 46 revolutions around the sun to realize that not everyone needs to be. The pressure to be exceptional—to leave a dent in the world that lasts generations—is a misrepresentation of what a fulfilling life actually is.

It’s enough to move, delight or inspire a handful of people in your time. Read that again.

Your life is not a monument; it is an experience. And the experience is where the meaning comes from. Everything else is external validation, comparisonitis and egocentricity tricking us into believing our work and our choices are defining moments of history.

Stepping back and recognizing your smallness might, at first, feel a little bit depressing. But once your ego gets over the idea that nobody really cares all that much, the reality is quite freeing. It lowers the impossible standard of what a “well-spent” life looks like and allows more of what you might have previously deemed insignificant to count as meaningful.

Final Thoughts

Escaping toxic productivity isn’t about getting better at gaming the system; it’s recognizing that no degree of efficiency will ever create enough space for everything you want to do. It’s accepting that no amount of tweaking will ever result in perfection, and saying no to good things is the price of doing something great. Dumping hustle culture is all about embracing the ebb and flow of life rather than chasing the illusion of balance—and accepting that your impact doesn’t have to be legendary to be meaningful.

So let this be your permission slip to use your habit tracker as kindling and your To-Do list as a suggestion. Let good enough be good enough, stop optimizing every second, and, for the love of dopamine, stop measuring your worth by how much you produce.

Because when you look back on the best moments of your life, the time you spent checking boxes won’t be among them.

Did this call you out?

What are you ready to stop optimizing?

Let’s unlearn hustle culture together.

This post was originally published on Substack.

The post High Achievers, Here’s How to Escape Toxic Productivity appeared first on Jennie O'Connor.

I started by interviewing the most prolific humans I know, hoping for stories of those moments where the drive to produce has taken on cartoonish proportions. In the midst of this research, I began prepping to leave for a 16-day trip. The day before departure, I made a To-Do list of what I felt was a reasonable amount of action items to get done before I left.

The list included 29 tasks. Packing was implied, so make that 30.

It’s not that I believe I can actually do 30 things in a day; it just so happened that there were a total of 30 items that seemed equally important to do the day before leaving town. In hindsight, I understand that nothing is more important the day before leaving town than organizing your life so that you can leave town. It’s not the time to paint the spare bedroom. Not that I did anything that preposterous.

I just included putting up Easter decorations and making herbal medicines on the list alongside truly critical tasks like sending invoices and uploading the latest workshop to YouTube. I honestly believed cold plunging and applying a glass-skin face mask were within reach. If I managed my time properly, I told myself, I’d finally get around to peeling and eating that pomegranate.

That’s not a joke. It was on the list.

It occurred to me, then, that I didn’t need someone else’s batshit crazy story to illustrate how bad things have gotten—how truly unmanageable our expectations of self are compared to our real human limits. In fact, up until very recently, I would’ve been disappointed in myself to the point of disgust for not accomplishing these bafflingly irrelevant To-Do list Hail Marys.

And that is the story of how I came to understand that I’m a case study for life-hacking gone wrong.

How Did We Get Here?

Since the Industrial Revolution, we’ve effectively been brainwashed to chase efficiency. The indoctrination has turned us into obedient little worker bees clamoring after money like it’s the elixir of life so we can buy more crap to make us feel a little less inadequate.

Look, I’m all for seizing the day. I hope to make the most of this wild and precious life and spend a lot of time hoping I’ll reincarnate and get in a few more rounds. After all, I still haven’t gone to Burning Man, and definitely feel too set in my ways about the feeling of dust on my skin to do it in this lifetime. [shivers in disgust]

The problem is that this quest for living optimally has sucked the joy out of living. Even in the two years since my burnout-induced nervous breakdown, when I’ve learned to “chase joy” and “practice self-acceptance” and all that other fluffy stuff, I’d still watch the sun go down every day with a sense of despair.

How many more items could I cross off the list before I face-planted in bed? Was it 16? Surely, I could get at least 16 more things done between yoga and the last of my 10,000 steps and making a scratch dinner because I don’t have room in my freezer for convenience foods.

Invariably, I would only get half of one thing done before zombie shuffling into bed feeling like the world’s biggest loser. (But I love myself! I have a daily gratitude practice dedicated to finding small joys that make up for my glaring inadequacies! Everything’s FINE).

Do Crazy Words Fall Out of Your Mouth, Too?

My best friend regularly sends me messages detailing her angst at how she didn’t get any work done all weekend. Let’s unpack this.

First of all, it’s the weekend.

Second of all, she will have just wrapped two physically exhausting musical performances in different parts of the state and done a brand photoshoot that morning.

Can you see why we’re friends? We big ol’ lazy failures gotta stick together!

Of course, I’m phenomenal when it comes to telling her how she regularly tries to do the work of twelve humans, so she must remember that only doing the work of two humans is NOT failing. I’m a virtuoso at reminding her to take the afternoon off to do something fun or, hell, just take a nap—because she deserves it.

Now, if only I could take the advice I’m so brilliant at dishing.

It’s not just the two of us locked into this thinking, either. The high-achievers I interviewed expressed feelings of guilt, anxiety, disappointment, frustration and overwhelm for reaching the end of their day and not accomplishing more. One creator left me a message lamenting that she’d missed her (self-imposed) deadline because she and her kids were out with the stomach flu. Her voice said it all: She wasn’t cutting herself slack because life happened. She had let herself down.

It got me thinking about what would happen if we burned it all to the ground. The productivity systems ostensibly designed to help us squeeze more fulfillment out of life are failing if they leave us with a sense of not-enoughness. Low-grade self-reproach is not my definition of a life well lived.

So, how do we fight the capitalist groupthink?

While none of us can single-handedly overthrow a society dedicated to limitless productivity, we can stop believing the lie that running the hamster wheel will ever bring fulfillment. We can choose joy and pleasure over achievement. We can measure success by the portion of our day we spend in flow rather than time spent chasing a moving target.

Inspired by this, I drafted a manifesto for all the ambitious souls who might need to reimagine their approach to getting things done. Here it is.

The Anti-Productivity Manifesto

I reject the lie that my worth is tied to how much I accomplish.

I deny the notion that there’s more I need to be doing in order to justify my existence.

I disavow the overwhelming To-Do list I once paraded as a badge of honor—believing ambition bought me a seat at the table.

That inner voice that insists I must do it all? It’s wrong.

I rebel against society’s demand that I must constantly make the most prudent use of my time if I want to thrive.

I refuse to “optimize” my downtime.

I commit to truly being at rest rather than covertly engaged in self-improvement.

Leisure is not a means to an end; it’s the end worth striving for.

I abandon the delusion that with the right hacks and a bit more effort, I can outrun unending demands, fulfill every ambition and ascend to some pinnacle of flawless Boss Babe success.

I accept that there are balls to drop, people to disappoint and fires that must be left to smolder.

I embrace the truth that when I pour myself into one thing, everything else must settle for “good enough.”

This is freedom.

I choose to embrace the slow, thoughtful path of artistry over the frantic scramble of achievement.

I grant my most important work the time it demands—without shame, guilt or apology.

I strive only for the sacred flow state, where time is meaningless anyway.

Inspiration has never arrived in a flurry of busyness.

I devote myself to experiencing the vividness of reality—to giving this moment, right now, the exquisite attention it deserves.

I refuse to believe that doing more, faster, will ever bring me peace.

I declare unequivocally that I am already enough.

In a world that glorifies striving, accomplishing and speed, this is my resistance.

Are you ever hard on yourself for not getting more done?

Did you expect to hit certain milestones in your life by now, and does not having done so make you feel a certain kinda way?

Please share your stories. It helps others feel less alone, and hell, it just might inspire a revolution.

This post was originally published on Substack.

Listen to the companion episode.

The post Productivity Culture Has Lost its Damn Mind appeared first on Jennie O'Connor.

I recently posted a note about how it feels impossible to function right now as an empath, and that was one of the comments I received.

It’s how I knew I needed to write this article.

This is not a post about politics. I write about designing and life and business you’re excited to wake up to every day.

But it’s also not NOT about politics.

Because I wouldn’t be writing this if we weren’t living in a chaotic stew of whirling emotional extremes, billionaire power grabs and heartbreaking daily injustices.

Suffering—human, animal and environmental—eviscerates me. I am a veritable sponge, soaking up the emotions in a room, in a stadium, in the collective. I have spent much of the last few months wondering why I feel possessed by the urge to vandalize property and burn down buildings when I speak out against these actions on a normal day. It took some serious introspection to realize the feelings inside of me aren’t mine.

And I think we can agree these are not normal days.

If you also identify as an empath or a Highly Sensitive Person, you are likely overwhelmed by unmanageable emotions yourself right now. It may feel impossible to engage in day-to-day activities when you’re blinded by rage and/or your heart is breaking.

For my part, it feels tone-deaf AF to focus on clever ways to market your brand when we’re all just trying to keep from bursting into flames.

So, if you’d rather live than spend the next four years in bed, this one’s for you. After all, you can’t show up for your business, much less those who need you most, when you feel fragile as Autumn leaves.

And you certainly can’t be on the front lines of the resistance.

Don’t Knock it ‘Til You Try it

Ever heard of shielding?

No?

Oh, my loves, you are in for a treat. Shielding is a meditative practice that involves protecting yourself inside an energetic bubble—the better to maintain emotional balance and prevent short-circuiting from anxiety.

To do it, simply carve out some quiet time and visualize creating a protective barrier (like a glowing golden orb) between you and all outside energies. This barrier acts like a filter, allowing you to remain connected to the world while being resistant to negativity.

I needed a fellow creator here on Substack to remind me of shielding’s benefits, but after one session, I had my first “normal” day in a month. Meaning: I was able to find joy in simple pleasures again and tap into my creativity, which is the first thing to go when my nervous system is inflamed.

I now do it every single morning.

If you’re inclined to discredit this tip due to its woo nature, stay with me. Studies show your nervous system is soothed via meditation. Given that, what’s the worst that can happen if you try it?

And if you think you suck at meditation, I assure you I suck more. That’s why I recommend doing a short, guided meditation from YouTube or the Insight Timer App, which is free. Here are two of my favorites.

Cleanse and Protect Your Energy with Prashanti Paz
Energy Protection for Empaths with Reiki Rachael

Stay Informed, but Not So Informed You’re Immobilized

I survived the 2016 election and, later, the pandemic by staying off the news and, in large part, social media. It’s the single biggest factor to which I attribute my ability to NOT vandalize property and burn down buildings. I recommend it—especially the social media cleanse—to anyone who will listen.

But this time around, burying my head in the sand isn’t gonna work for me. It feels like a betrayal of everything I stand for. So, I’m choosing to focus on one or two news sources and/or political pubs on Substack. And that’s it.

Many of the sources the folks in my echo chamber claim are unbiased are “left of center” at best and blatantly partisan at worst. Having my beliefs parroted back to me is not the goal. I want the truth.

My quest for this elusive goal uncovered a website called AllSides.com, which ranks news sources according to their partisan biases, explains exactly how they arrived at that rating, and notes whether or not the community agrees. (For instance, WaPo is listed as “center,” but in light of the not endorsing Kamala fiasco, the community disagrees).

AllSides rates outlets based on perspective only and not accuracy because, and I quote, “We aren’t the Ministry of Truth.” They go on to say, “The left and right often strongly disagree on what is truth and what is fiction.”

I like it.

They also suggest that ONLY reading outlets that align center is not the way to go. Instead, you should read a balance of perspectives so that you know what’s being spoonfed to the masses who aren’t savvy enough to do their homework. Diversification works for stock portfolios; it only makes sense that it would apply here. This link will take you directly to AllSides’ “balanced news feed.”

Complete the Stress Cycle

Emotions are neurological events that occur not just in the brain but throughout the entire body. Therefore, it’s safe to say that emotions happen everywhere and affect everything.

Emotions can be thought of as tunnels with a beginning, middle and end. If you go all the way through them, you get to the light on the other side. But if you get stuck in an emotion, your body stays in a state where your neurochemicals and hormones degrade but never fully shift back into relaxation. This leads to exhaustion, illness and burnout.

It’s especially easy to get stuck in the tunnel during intensely emotional times because there’s no reprieve—we’re constantly being exposed to situations that activate big feelings. You might think eliminating the stressor is the solution, but that’s no more accurate than it is doable in this case.

What you can control is the action you take to complete the stress cycle, getting yourself unstuck and out the tunnel’s other side. Any form of physical activity will get ‘er done—dancing it out in your living room, screaming into a pillow, doing 30 jumping jacks, tensing every muscle really hard until you can’t do it for another minute and then flopping down and letting your body completely surrender. That’s how you release the physical and chemical processes that were taking place and communicate to your body that it is safe.

Direct the Fire

Several of the commenters on my note about empaths spoke about fire. “My nervous system’s on fire,” “my symptoms have flared up,“ “before I burst into flames.”

That fire we’re all feeling is energy, and we need to off-gas that energy in order to complete the stress cycle. That part is critical to our survival. But there’s no rule that says that energy can’t be harnessed and directed somewhere useful. Or even just alchemized into something that doesn’t consume us.

Want to turn it into kindness? Read this:

Witches Alchemizing Outrage & Hatred into Tiny Acts of Kindness & Love

Not sure what to do? Read this:

An incomplete list of what is and what isn’t resistance.

Want something low-lift that’s easy on the nervous system and your exhausted brain? Call your congressperson using 5calls.org. It’s one of the simplest ways I’ve found to go to bed proud that you’re making a difference.

Your Turn

What practices are you employing to keep from vandalizing property and burning down buildings right now?

Share them with us in the comments because we could all use a life raft. And a hug. And some ice cream.

This post was originally published on Substack.

The post If You’re Struggling to Function Right Now, Read This appeared first on Jennie O'Connor.

Looking back (ooh, is that foreshadowing? It might be foreshadowing), I realize I can chalk up all that wheel-spinning to one thing above all else—a flat-out refusal to review my life. To pause and reflect on how far I’d come, what I was proud of and what I wanted to do differently.

Let’s be honest. Reviewing sounds boring as hell. I was going to title this post “Do You Review?” until I read it on my screen and died of disinterest.

But guess what happens when you refuse to review?

You end up doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And we all know that madness will land you in the loony bin. Or, if you’re extra accident-prone, the back of a Roman police car.

The truth is, reviews aren’t just corporate drudgery, nor are they some new-age call to ponder the meaning of life; they’re actually a necessary tool for growth. And when done annually, they become the whiffle ball bat that allows you to knock your next year out of the park.⁵

Here’s Why You Should Perform An Annual Review

The best thing the self-development world has taught me is that you should celebrate everything. Celebrate waking up, celebrate no extra delivery fee on DoorDash items for 15 minutes after you place your order, celebrate that people are willing to read your thoughts about marriage proposals involving cheese platters.

Looking back at your year through this lens, you’ll realize you’ve accomplished far more than you’ve given yourself credit for. Small victories matter—they’re the building blocks to your major accomplishments—and an annual reflection lets you capture those moments. I can’t think of a single better reason for champagne⁶ on a Tuesday, can you?

Hunting for things to celebrate helps you cultivate gratitude. And expressing gratitude for what you have is how you call in more of the good stuff. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle that has no downside.

Celebrating tiny wins = more gratitude = wondering how you got so lucky that THIS is your life.

Obviously, an honest review will reveal some hard knocks, too. Reflecting on these setbacks doesn’t mean dwelling on failure or berating yourself for rekindling with your felonious, philandering ex. (Too specific)? It’s about extracting the lessons. What did you learn from that challenging work dynamic? Did that relationship reboot teach you that your picker is broken? This is good information! These insights can now shape how you approach the future (and possibly lead you to adopt celibacy—a boring yet decidedly less toxic life choice).

Simply put, you can’t learn the lessons if you don’t pause to observe what they are. And, as my romantic life is evidence of, if you don’t learn them, you are doomed to repeat them.

Another thing an annual review will teach you is resilience. In the future, when things start heading south in that way that reminds you of “that one time,” you can respond differently—and fingers crossed—for the better.

Once you’ve armed yourself against potential red flags, you might want to reassess your priorities. Odds are good that what you thought you wanted at the start of this year is not what you want now. As you evolve, so do your core values. For this reason, the path to living in alignment with them must be adjusted once in a while, too.

Now that you’re clear on your priorities and values, you can set goals with thoughtful intention. Instead of blindly chasing what you think you “should” want or expecting to achieve success any which way, you can chart a strategic path based on what you’ve learned about yourself. I don’t know about you, but if reviewing can help me get to awesome faster, I’ll set aside an afternoon for that.

Review, But Make it Fun

Bring Snacks

Grab a notebook and a tasty beverage; this is some serious spelunking we’re undertaking. Since you’re going to be here a while, you may as well make it a party. I’ll bring the cheese platter.

Scroll Through Last Year’s Calendar

The best place to start is by reviewing each month of last year and jotting down the significant events. Once you’ve done this, circle the best moments. I like to think of this as a highlight reel I can mentally flip through whenever I need a pick-me-up or when I’m 90 and have lost my last marble.

Ask Questions

The next part can be as simple or complex as you want it to be. If you’re an overachiever, download the Annual Review Workbook containing all the questions you’ll ever need to dissect yourself with Sherlock Holmes-style precision.

If that sounds too intense, simply choose from the prompts below or make up your own:

• What am I most proud of accomplishing this year?
• What were my hardest challenges, and how did I face them?
• What was the biggest personal risk I took?
• The best thing I discovered about myself was . . .
• What made my life/business FUN this year?

Celebrate

Big or small, give yourself credit wherever it’s due. Buy yourself a treat or take yourself on a date. Make it a thing. You deserve it.

Envision the Future

Use what you’ve learned to dream big dreams for the year ahead. What do you want to create, change or embrace? Write it down. Make a commitment to an accountability buddy. Or heck, spend some time mapping out an actual game plan to get from here to there. Go nuts.

Final Thoughts

While writing this post, I realized that I do some type of review on a daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and annual basis. I also reflect on my new moon intentions when the first and third quarter moons are in the same astrological sign to see if I’m making progress.

Upon review, I might be batshit.

But the good news is, you don’t need to be like me to get benefits out of reflecting and reviewing. Even one review per year will be massively illuminating if you’re used to doing zero. Just know that the more data you gather, the less your successes will feel like throwing spaghetti at the wall, and the more you’ll feel like the dom of your life.

If you’re into that sorta thing.

LISTEN TO THE COMPANION EPISODE

The post A Simple Way to Make 2025 Your B*tch appeared first on Jennie O'Connor.

You’re not a total fuck up if you serve as a bad example for someone else.

It has comforted me many times as I’ve stood looking down the barrel of yet another #PoorLifeChoice. I’m not a trainwreck; I’m a philanthropist.

Who knew all it took was 45 years of doing everything wrong to turn me into a wise old sage? I’ve self-sabotaged, chased dreams that didn’t belong to me, gotten swindled by charlatans and followed advice I hated “because he had a nice face.” I ran (and slipped on a banana peel and faceplanted spectacularly) so you could walk.

So, if you have big, audacious dreams in your heart and a voice in your head crying out that you’re meant for more, here are three things my experience has proven you should stop doing immediately.

Not Speaking Up

If you liked that stellar parenting example from my father, I’ve got another one for you.

Use your words.

I had a client who was always mad at his accountant. Over the many years we worked together, he went through at least seven different CPAs. He would rant and rave about how the new gal was driving him crazy, but when I asked him to sum up what he didn’t like, I never got a straight answer.

Because he didn’t know himself.

He hadn’t done the work to think about or verbalize what he needed, and therefore, no one ever met his expectations. How could they, when even he had no idea what they were?

You know the quickest way to not get what you want?

Don’t ask for it.

If you don’t express your desires, others can’t help you achieve them. Opportunities will pass you by because no one is thinking, “Hey, I ought to text [your name here] because I know they were looking for something just like this!”

The “failure to ask” problem is especially prevalent among women. It must be a holdover from the Patriarchal Parenting Handbook that states that good girls are seen and not heard. God forbid we ask for what we need to make our lives better.

A 2024 survey by Indeed found that 57% of women have never asked for a raise. We all wish bosses went around granting raises like nose boops from Glenda the Good Witch, but they don’t. Please start asking, and don’t ever stop.

I know it can feel scary. What if you ask for a promotion, and they laugh you out of the room? What if you try to set boundaries and your partner leaves you?

But you know what’s scarier?

Settling for mediocre instead of the incredible life you deserve simply because you didn’t use your words.

Being Clueless About Your Core Values

I realize that determining what you want can be difficult. Many of us internalize beliefs from our family and society that don’t actually belong to us and then make important life decisions based on those beliefs.

You might have internalized a belief like, “I can’t make a living as an artist, so I’d better get a day job.”

And that is how you end up doing unsatisfying work for 30 years until you burn out in a blaze of glory. Ask me how I know.

You know what the fix for this is?

Being able to give a TED Talk on your core values.

The first time I was asked about my core values, I panicked. On the one hand, I know intellectually what values are . . . they’re things we consider important. On the other hand, tacos and naps are important, so are we talking about designing a life around tacos?

The reality is that we should be teaching the importance of core values to high schoolers. Because not knowing yours is like trekking into the Amazon rainforest with nothing but a tube of Chapstick. Without knowing what you value most, it’s impossible to build a life with those things in it. Without having a bead on your target, you have no way of knowing if the actions you’re taking are getting you close to the bull’s eye.

Navigating life’s challenges requires a compass. Core values act as that compass, helping you make choices that align with your true self. And that is essential to feeling fulfilled.

So, explore the depths of your psyche. Take the time to identify what truly matters. Because I love you, I’ve made it easy.

How to Uncover and Live by Your Personal Values

When you’ve figured out your values, ensure your goals and actions align with them. As someone who waited way too long to do this for myself, I can tell you everything gets easier once you do.

Ignoring the Fact That Having is Evidence of Wanting

Make way for an unpopular opinion:

Subconsciously, you’re in love with the status quo.

This concept can be shocking and uncomfortable, especially if you’ve had hardship in your life. But hear me out.

Carl Jung famously wrote:

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.

Jung’s work explained that our unconscious is generative. The emotions, symbols and attitudes within it shape our experience. Whatever desires are in your unconscious will manifest, and the consequences of those desires will seem to come from outside yourself—in other words, from fate.

It can be very jarring to consider your negative experiences might be something you wanted. But it’s not the conscious part of us that wants it; it’s the unconscious part, the part we don’t identify with but which nevertheless strongly affects our experience.

The axiom “having is evidence of wanting” comes from Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliot, a guidebook for embracing the repressed, taboo and often unwanted aspects of yourself. By making your unconscious desires conscious and then giving them a vast taboo level of approval, you remove their power over your life.

The Existential Kink process involves getting into a deep meditative state. Once there, consider a recurring troublesome situation in your life. Maybe you only seem to bring in a certain amount of money each month, or you repeatedly attract less-than-awesome partners. Identify the feelings and emotions you associate with this situation. The feelings are what is important, not the situation itself.

The situation is a byproduct—the means to our desired end to feel these “negative” sensations.

Focus on taking pleasure in the sensations and emotions stirred up by your annoying situation. If that sounds hard, remember that we get to choose whether we experience a thing as pleasure or pain. An experience itself is neutral; we assign the meaning. For some people, hot wax poured directly on the skin is painful; for others, it’s pleasurable.

Gently allow yourself to get in touch with the part of yourself that passionately enjoys the feelings associated with your situation. This step of the process will feel sadistic, deviant, and, yes, kinky.

If you’re struggling with this, imagine the situation will be gone from your life one month from now, as if by magic. Since it will be gone forever anyway, it’s safe to let yourself relax and feel just how much a secret taboo part of you enjoys and cherishes these feelings. This part of you has been silent until now because your conscious mind has been shaming the enjoyment of bad things like scarcity, rejection and self-hatred.

Tell yourself, “I open up to having insane gratitude and excitement about these sensations and this situation.” The ultimate goal is to make contact with your previously unconscious enjoyment and then let yourself shamelessly celebrate it in a light-hearted, curious, permission-giving way. Until you deliberately let your unconscious delight in the situations and emotions it’s creating, the scarcity, romantic rejection or self-hatred will continue to hang around.

Here’s an example to bring this down to earth. I used to be inundated with requests to meet with clients and hold their hand on straightforward tasks that were easily done on their own. Think, sitting in silence while they read the latest blog post I authored and offer stream-of-conscious commentary that isn’t well articulated, and which I must scramble to take notes on. Considering Google Docs has a way to add comments in the margins, these unnecessary meetings made me absolutely nuts!

Through the Existential Kink process, however, I recognized that I actually savor the feeling of superiority it gives me to feel needed in this way. These corporate big wigs can’t read a 750-word post unless I’m there to provide moral support. They can’t focus for 10 minutes without me cracking the whip. Obviously, without me, they’d all get eaten by wolves! I must admit, as much as I consciously sense that feeling “better than” anyone else is gross, I get off on it. Once I made friends with the idea, the requests for pointless meetings dried up.

So, I invite you to suspend your disbelief, humble your ego and set aside judgment and shaming. Instead, savor your unconscious creations, and watch what happens. Like me, you may find this method quickly becomes your favorite and most fool-proof way to eradicate triggering situations from your life.

Your Turn

I have to know . . . Is it just me?

Or are you guilty of doing things to stand in your own way?

If so, I hope you take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. And if you feel like sharing, I’d love to know I’m not the only multidimensional dumpster phoenix in the room.

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