How to Never Ever Get Anything You Want

My dad had a saying I’ll never forget.

You’re not a total fuck up if you serve as a bad example for someone else.

It has comforted me many times as I’ve stood looking down the barrel of yet another #PoorLifeChoice. I’m not a trainwreck; I’m a philanthropist.

Who knew all it took was 45 years of doing everything wrong to turn me into a wise old sage? I’ve self-sabotaged, chased dreams that didn’t belong to me, gotten swindled by charlatans and followed advice I hated “because he had a nice face.” I ran (and slipped on a banana peel and faceplanted spectacularly) so you could walk.

So, if you have big, audacious dreams in your heart and a voice in your head crying out that you’re meant for more, here are three things my experience has proven you should stop doing immediately.

Not Speaking Up

If you liked that stellar parenting example from my father, I’ve got another one for you.

Use your words.

I had a client who was always mad at his accountant. Over the many years we worked together, he went through at least seven different CPAs. He would rant and rave about how the new gal was driving him crazy, but when I asked him to sum up what he didn’t like, I never got a straight answer.

Because he didn’t know himself.

He hadn’t done the work to think about or verbalize what he needed, and therefore, no one ever met his expectations. How could they, when even he had no idea what they were?

You know the quickest way to not get what you want?

Don’t ask for it.

If you don’t express your desires, others can’t help you achieve them. Opportunities will pass you by because no one is thinking, “Hey, I ought to text [your name here] because I know they were looking for something just like this!”

The “failure to ask” problem is especially prevalent among women. It must be a holdover from the Patriarchal Parenting Handbook that states that good girls are seen and not heard. God forbid we ask for what we need to make our lives better.

A 2024 survey by Indeed found that 57% of women have never asked for a raise. We all wish bosses went around granting raises like nose boops from Glenda the Good Witch, but they don’t. Please start asking, and don’t ever stop.

I know it can feel scary. What if you ask for a promotion, and they laugh you out of the room? What if you try to set boundaries and your partner leaves you?

But you know what’s scarier?

Settling for mediocre instead of the incredible life you deserve simply because you didn’t use your words.

Being Clueless About Your Core Values

I realize that determining what you want can be difficult. Many of us internalize beliefs from our family and society that don’t actually belong to us and then make important life decisions based on those beliefs.

You might have internalized a belief like, “I can’t make a living as an artist, so I’d better get a day job.”

And that is how you end up doing unsatisfying work for 30 years until you burn out in a blaze of glory. Ask me how I know.

You know what the fix for this is?

Being able to give a TED Talk on your core values.

The first time I was asked about my core values, I panicked. On the one hand, I know intellectually what values are . . . they’re things we consider important. On the other hand, tacos and naps are important, so are we talking about designing a life around tacos?

The reality is that we should be teaching the importance of core values to high schoolers. Because not knowing yours is like trekking into the Amazon rainforest with nothing but a tube of Chapstick. Without knowing what you value most, it’s impossible to build a life with those things in it. Without having a bead on your target, you have no way of knowing if the actions you’re taking are getting you close to the bull’s eye.

Navigating life’s challenges requires a compass. Core values act as that compass, helping you make choices that align with your true self. And that is essential to feeling fulfilled.

So, explore the depths of your psyche. Take the time to identify what truly matters. Because I love you, I’ve made it easy. 👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼

How to Uncover and Live by Your Personal Values

When you’ve figured out your values, ensure your goals and actions align with them. As someone who waited way too long to do this for myself, I can tell you everything gets easier once you do.

Ignoring the Fact That Having is Evidence of Wanting

Make way for an unpopular opinion:

Subconsciously, you’re in love with the status quo.

This concept can be shocking and uncomfortable, especially if you’ve had hardship in your life. But hear me out.

Carl Jung famously wrote:

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.

Jung’s work explained that our unconscious is generative. The emotions, symbols and attitudes within it shape our experience. Whatever desires are in your unconscious will manifest, and the consequences of those desires will seem to come from outside yourself—in other words, from fate.

It can be very jarring to consider your negative experiences might be something you wanted. But it’s not the conscious part of us that wants it; it’s the unconscious part, the part we don’t identify with but which nevertheless strongly affects our experience.

The axiom “having is evidence of wanting” comes from Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliot, a guidebook for embracing the repressed, taboo and often unwanted aspects of yourself. By making your unconscious desires conscious and then giving them a vast taboo level of approval, you remove their power over your life.

The Existential Kink process involves getting into a deep meditative state. Once there, consider a recurring troublesome situation in your life. Maybe you only seem to bring in a certain amount of money each month, or you repeatedly attract less-than-awesome partners. Identify the feelings and emotions you associate with this situation. The feelings are what is important, not the situation itself.

The situation is a byproduct—the means to our desired end to feel these “negative” sensations.

Focus on taking pleasure in the sensations and emotions stirred up by your annoying situation. If that sounds hard, remember that we get to choose whether we experience a thing as pleasure or pain. An experience itself is neutral; we assign the meaning. For some people, hot wax poured directly on the skin is painful; for others, it’s pleasurable.

Gently allow yourself to get in touch with the part of yourself that passionately enjoys the feelings associated with your situation. This step of the process will feel sadistic, deviant, and, yes, kinky.

If you’re struggling with this, imagine the situation will be gone from your life one month from now, as if by magic. Since it will be gone forever anyway, it’s safe to let yourself relax and feel just how much a secret taboo part of you enjoys and cherishes these feelings. This part of you has been silent until now because your conscious mind has been shaming the enjoyment of bad things like scarcity, rejection and self-hatred.

Tell yourself, “I open up to having insane gratitude and excitement about these sensations and this situation.” The ultimate goal is to make contact with your previously unconscious enjoyment and then let yourself shamelessly celebrate it in a light-hearted, curious, permission-giving way. Until you deliberately let your unconscious delight in the situations and emotions it’s creating, the scarcity, romantic rejection or self-hatred will continue to hang around.

👉🏼 👉🏼 👉🏼 Here’s an example to bring this down to earth. I used to be inundated with requests to meet with clients and hold their hand on straightforward tasks that were easily done on their own. Think, sitting in silence while they read the latest blog post I authored and offer stream-of-conscious commentary that isn’t well articulated, and which I must scramble to take notes on. Considering Google Docs has a way to add comments in the margins, these unnecessary meetings made me absolutely nuts!

Through the Existential Kink process, however, I recognized that I actually savor the feeling of superiority it gives me to feel needed in this way. These corporate big wigs can’t read a 750-word post unless I’m there to provide moral support. They can’t focus for 10 minutes without me cracking the whip. Obviously, without me, they’d all get eaten by wolves! I must admit, as much as I consciously sense that feeling “better than” anyone else is gross, I get off on it. Once I made friends with the idea, the requests for pointless meetings dried up. ✨

So, I invite you to suspend your disbelief, humble your ego and set aside judgment and shaming. Instead, savor your unconscious creations, and watch what happens. Like me, you may find this method quickly becomes your favorite and most fool-proof way to eradicate triggering situations from your life.

Your Turn

I have to know . . . Is it just me?

Or are you guilty of doing things to stand in your own way?

If so, I hope you take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. And if you feel like sharing, I’d love to know I’m not the only multidimensional dumpster phoenix in the room. 🐦‍🔥